


Friendzoned

by Wearenotalright



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-25
Updated: 2014-05-17
Packaged: 2018-01-20 17:54:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1519859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wearenotalright/pseuds/Wearenotalright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank Iero is in love. Everyone can see it when he walks into the room. Sadly, for Frank, he's in love and he hates it. He's very much gay, and the man who he's in love with is very much straight; and his best friend, Gerard Way. </p><p>Disclaimer: this is only for entertainment only. I do not own Gerard Way or Frank Iero. This is 100% fake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My other story is on hiatus. Sorry, I'm having a major writers block with that one :/
> 
> This story will also be only 5 chapters. It's gonna be kinda short. But long chapters. I hope you like it!

"Ugh!" I cried out putting on my other shoe. I was going to be late for work. It's almost 5PM. At least I live close to my job and I will be there in 5 minutes. 

Finally I'm half way happy with how I look I grab my car keys and head off to my job. I'm a bartender at the local bar in my town. It's a small bar but we get good business. I like my job, I basically get paid to talk with people, not so bad. I always tell myself it could be worse. I make good money, it's fast money. I really enjoy it, truthfully. 

"Iero hurry up and clock in!" Was the first thing I heard when I walked into the bar. I look around the bar and it was already starting to get packed. Friday nights were always like this, we get a lot of people in here. Friday nights we have 3 bartenders on, usually me. Tonight it is me, my good buddy Ray, and a coworker Stephanie who I don't really talk to much. She usually doesn't work Friday nights or the shifts that I work. 

Music starts to fill the room, tonight there's a lot of hip hop. Not my favorite, but the crowd we have in tonight dig it so I pretend I do, too. I mentally laugh at myself for pretending to enjoy the music coming through. In my head all I hear is Black Flag. 

Beers, beers, beers. I hate beer. I would much rather make mixed drinks. They're fun to make. Beer is too easy and simple to make. At least with mixed drinks I can almost put on a show while making it, but it's all beers and I'm so bored. I get bored too easily and this is boring the fuck out of me. 

I'm starting to get severely bored at this point. It's almost 10PM and most of the people got their drinks and now they're just hanging out and chatting with their friends. So I have some down time, I'm spending it cleaning the bar. Making sure everything is good and ready incase we get another pop. If we don't get another wave of people, at least all my side work is done and when we close in ready to leave.

I tried talking to some people but they're too interested in talking about their work week to their friends and how much they hate their jobs. Someone got fired and they're spending the rest of their money on booze. It doesn't effect me, as long as they tip me, I can careless what they do or talk about. 

"Hey, dude!" I heard a voice call and I turn my head around, it's Gerard. 

Gerard is my best friend since forever. I never met anyone like him. He visits me all the time at work. Almost becoming a regular guest at the bar. 

"Finally!" I squealed. "Someone interesting."

"That bad of a night? Gimme a Blue Moon." Gerard responded back to me. 

"I'm making good money," I mumbled, "but everyone is kind of blah!" I laughed. 

I handed Gerard his drink and he smiles as he sips the beer to his lips. 

"How was work?" I asked while cleaning around the bar that my good friend is sitting near. 

He rolled his eyes, "it was work." He snorted. "I got home and Jackie and I got into another fight." 

My smiles fades, why does he got to bring her up! 

I don't hide anything from Gerard, we tell each other everything, but I keep this little secret about me hidden. That I'm in love with the goofy, nerdy, beautiful man who I call my best friend. 

My very straight best friend. 

"What happened now?" I mumbled looking down at the bar. Cleaning the same spot over and over. Jackie and Gerard always fight. It's nothing new. I'm honestly not interested in hearing about their typical fights, but I didn't want to be rude and not ask him. 

"The same shit," he explained. He took another hard, long sip of his beer and smiles at me. "Oh, well."

The rest of the night was normal, nothing too crazy. Gerard stayed until close like he usually does. He doesn't get too drunk. Just a little tipsy and that's really it. I love having Gerard's company while I close. We joke around and talk about random shit. Gerard and I are the perfect combination. I'm a punk ass with no care in the world and a very "go with the flow" type of attitude. Then there's Gerard, he's very planned, he sees a huge picture and not the small picture. We are both so different but alike so it works out perfectly. Like we were meant to be friends... Meant to be lovers. 

I wish more than anything to kiss his lips, I always wonder what they feel like. Are they soft? Sweet? Does he use his tongue a lot? Ugh! I wish I knew. I know I will never find out though, he's going to be with Jackie forever. They're "meant to be". 

My ass they are.

Gerard and Jackie fight all the time. She tries to control his life. I can't stand her, whenever she's around he's miserable. Jackie hates me just as much as I hate her. She hates all of his friends. She doesn't support his art and what he wants to do with his life. It's like she wants to mold him into someone he's not and that pisses me off so badly. Gerard is such a talented artist and he loves to do it. He hasn't picked up his sketch pad in months. It kills me because I know the reason why is because she's beating him down so badly to the point where she stole his artistic drive. It truly kills me. He doesn't deserve that, he deserves someone who will support him and help him, not break him down. Gerard tries to see the good in everyone and for some reason he sees good in her. There's no good in her. She's a terrible human. 

"Gerard." I turned my head and rolled my eyes. Jackie. 

Gerard turns his head and slams his hands down at the bar in anger. "What do you want?" He asks angrily.

"We need to talk." She says sitting down at the bar. Her brown hair in a ponytail and evil, devil eyes looking at Gerard.

Gerard huffs and pushes his seat farther away from her, "I don't want to talk to you."

I just walk away at this point. I'm at the other side of the bar and I hear faintly of their fight. 

_"Just go away, Jackie."_

_"Can we please talk?"_

_"No. You're pissing me off and smothering me."_

 

"Why don't you just tell her to piss off I'm trying to work?" I spat out at him in the middle of their fight. 

I get so snippy with Gerard. I hate it, but I can't help it. I get so angry with him because I know he doesn't deserve it and she treats him like total shit. I'm always having a never ending battle with my brain and my heart. I know I shouldn't love him because well, he's very much straight, and I am very much gay. It just doesn't work out like that. If I had my way, Gerard would be in my arms. I would hold him every night and sing him to sleep. I get nasty so he doesn't catch on that I have all these feelings for him. If he would find out the truth about how I feel I would die of embarrassment. 

Jackie leaves shortly after and Gerard follows her like a lost puppy. I don't understand him. He's miserable, unhappy, and angry most of the time. Why does he bother with her? If he's unhappy he should leave. I told him this so many times and all of our friends told him this, too. He needs to open his eyes and see what's out there. There's more than an evil girlfriend. 

There's me. Someone who will love him for life. Give him the entire world. 

\-----

 

"Frankie! Pay attention to the road!" Ray yelled, grabbing the wheel; avoiding a car accident. 

"Shit! Sorry, dude..." I trailed off, my heart pounding out of my chest. 

"I don't want to die. I want to get to Gerard's _alive."_ Ray replied back to me. We were getting Gerard and going out to eat. Of course Jackie is tagging along. She never lets him go anywhere without him, and if he goes out without her, she always magically shows up. 

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." 

A few minutes later we pulled into Gerard's driveway. I sent him a text saying we are here. I sigh and sit back in my seat, looking through my iPod to find a good song to listen to. I smile and put on True Believers by the Bouncing Souls. Their music always makes me feel better. 

About 5 minutes later Gerard and Jackie walk outside. Gerard and Jackie both have angry looks on their faces. They clearly just had a bad fight. Typical. 

"Hey, Frankie." Gerard mumbled climbing into the back seat with Jackie. 

The car ride was silent expect for my music coming through the speakers. I honestly would rather not hear anyone talking at this point. I hate seeing Gerard annoyed and upset. I hate how the cause of it is sitting in the back of my car with him. I want to rip her hair out and tell her to leave for good. Sadly that won't happen. 

Dinner is a little awkward. Both Ray and I know they were fighting and they're both feeding off each other's anger and it's making Ray and I feel weird as they snicker at each other and give attitudes. It's honestly not fair to us. I want to have a nice dinner with no fights. Their relationship is so toxic it's not even funny. It's almost like a life sentence that Gerard can't get out of. He's stuck. He doesn't have it in him to leave her. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and be known as an asshole for dumping someone after all these years. I hate love. 

I hate how I love a straight man. 

Jackie made an extremely rude comment that set Gerard off. He shamelessly called the waitress sweetie (after she hooked us up with a round of free drinks). All he said was, "thank you, sweetie." Which caused Jackie to fire back at him, claiming that Gerard wants to get with the waitress. Ray and I sit angrily in our seats as se watch their fight. I look over at Ray and I can tell he's getting pissed off. 

"That's it!" Ray yelled over their bickering. Both stopped. Looking at the angry Ray

"I'm so sick of hanging out with you two! You're always fighting! Either fucking leave it at home, or just don't come out! We are all sick of it!" Ray roared out in anger. 

"He fucking called the waitress sweetie, get over it, Jackie! It's called being nice. You should try it sometime! Just fucking stop it already!" 

I sat in silence and played with my veggies. I didn't even look up. Everything Ray was saying was 100% true I couldn't disagree with him. I know Gerard is going to be upset with me because I didn't stick up for him and her. I couldn't, though, I couldn't agree with his toxic relationship. 

"I'm going for a smoke," Gerard mumbled, "don't come after, Jackie." 

And just like that, Gerard left to smoke. Leaving both Ray and I with Jackie. Her eyes red with anger. She's shooting me a death stare. 

"This is all your fault, Frank." She spat at me. 

"Are you joking?" I laughed in disbelief. 

"Nope, you're all he talks about. Telling me I should be more like you, supportive and shit." 

"I didn't make you a crazy bitch, you did." I fired back. My face is starting to flush with anger. 

Even if Gerard doesn't want me, even if he doesn't love me in the way I love him. I want more than anything for him to leave this bitch. She's toxic. 

I just want Gerard happy. Even if it means that I'm alone and miserable. I honestly can't picture myself happy unless it's with him. I'm ok with that though. 

If it means he's happy than I'm happy. I'll be alone. But the man I love will be happy. 

Love makes you do crazy shit, though. I don't know how much longer I can go without knowing what his soft lips feel like. Just once, that's all I need. 

__I need just one kiss._ _


	2. Homesick.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank Iero is in love. Everyone can see it when he walks into the room. Sadly, for Frank, he's in love and he hates it. He's very much gay, and the man who he's in love with is very much straight; and his best friend, Gerard Way.
> 
> Disclaimer: this is only for entertainment only. I do not own Gerard Way or Frank Iero. This is 100% fake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like it!

I hate waking up. I hate waking up next to my girlfriend. Is that bad? I can't stand looking at her. She's pure evil. I don't even have sex with her anymore because how mad she makes me. I can't physically have sex with someone who I'm supposed to love, because she makes me that mad. 

Is it bad to say I'm with her because I fear I can't find anyone else? I don't want to be alone. That's why I put up with her. I can tell all my friends are getting sick of it. They're snapping at me. Angry. Annoyed. They don't want to hang out with me anymore. They know that when they hang out with me, Jackie is there and she always starts a fight with me. We always end up fighting and my friends leave. Expect Frank.

Frank is the only person who hasn't given up on me. He still sees something in me. He tells me all the time that I need to start doing something artistic soon. He sees what I want my damn girlfriend to see in me. But she doesn't see it. Only Frank. He's the only person who actually understands me. Sometimes I feel like Frank is more of a girlfriend (well, boyfriend) than Jackie. The person you love is supposed to support you. Not break you down. Love shouldn't hurt this bad. 

Love shouldn't be this hard.

I'm too scared to leave though. Am I selfish for keeping someone who I don't love anymore? I feel like there's something in my heart missing. It's like there's a piece that should be there but it's not there. I can't pin point what or who it is. I feel it though. I can feel something strange. It's been like this for years. 

I'm just happy I'm seeing Frankie tonight. He always helps me forget all the bullshit with Jackie. He always brings up my artwork and how much he wants me to do it again. I always love hearing it even though I get sad shortly afterwords. I want to do art, I want to pick up a pencil, paintbrush, anything and just create something and make something come to life with my artistic abilities, but I always set myself back on doing it. That or when I get the nerve to do it my lovely girlfriend seems to find a way to piss me off so much to the point where I want to chuck my canvas and go to the bar and get a beer and talk to Frankie. 

Frankie is always there to catch me when I fall. 

I smile lightly as I grab my keys and head out the door to get Frank to make tonight a great night. No girls. Just the guys. That's all I want lately. I don't want to be near any women. I'm kind of disgusted by all women lately. It's like I can't trust them. I lost all faith in women thanks to Jackie.

Last week at dinner I told Jackie that Frank is more important than her. I got so upset when he told me what she told her. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to get up and leave her for good. I saw the hurt in Frank's eyes and I could also hear it in his voice. All I wanted to do was hug Frank, take him back to my place and watch movies with him all night long.

He's so much better company than Jackie. 

***

"Hey, dude!" Frank says as he enters my car. "How's it going?"

I pull out of his driveway, "the usual. Same shit." I mumbled with a cigarette between my lips. 

Frank and I are going to the bar to let off some steam, the stress from work, life in general, and my messy love life, we both definitely need this. 

"Man, it feels so good to not be the guy behind the bar." Frank confessed with a huge grin on his face, "time to get drunk! Are the rest of the guys coming?" 

"I dunno," I replied sitting down, "I sent a text. Let's see if anyone shows up."

Turns out no one else came. Ray texted me saying he had a date, and the other guys gave some other stupid reason. Personally, I'm completely fine with it just me and Frank. It's nice just us. Laughing at stupid jokes and talking about all the weird stuff we both like. I can seriously sit here forever and drink, chat with my best friend about anything and everything. There's really no other place in the world that I would rather be. 

The night almost turns sour as Frank brings up Jackie. At this point we are a few drinks in and we are pretty tipsy, I'm feeling really nice and I can feel some major word vomit come out. 

"I really just don't want to be with her anymore, dude," I said sipping my Jack and Coke. 

"So leave her." Frank replied back to me looking right in my eyes. "I don't mean to sound blunt or anything, but you're not happy."

I sighed, "you're right. Why can't she be like you?"

\---

All I want to do is kiss Gerard. He just told me he wishes his fucking girlfriend was like me! 

I want to feel his lips, I want to know what he tastes like. It's not even a sexual feel I have towards him. Well, yes of course, but I just want to cuddle him, show him what love should be. He deserves it. After all that he's been through with this devil cunt, he really deserves to be treated like the amazing man that he is and truly be the man that he wants to be, the real Gerard. The Gerard that I fell in love with and the man who I want to spend the rest of my days with. Man, it fucking sucks wanting, and dare I say, needing, someone you can't have. It truly sucks. 

"It must be so easy being gay." Gerard said, rushing me back to reality. 

I laughed at his statement, "most definitely not."

Gerard frowns, "why not? You don't have to deal with annoying woman crap, no periods, stupid mood swings. You can burp and they don't bitch at you. No nagging."

"You're a funny man, Gee." I said back to him, "it's really hard actually."

"Why's that?"

"Well," I started, "you can't tell if a guy is gay or bisexual. It's easy for a guy to go up to a girl and try to get her number opposed to me doing it. How many gay guys do you know that go to a regular bar for a drink? I hate gay clubs. Guys can be naggy, too. My ex was like that. He bitched about everything. Plus, it's more common to get a crush on a straight guy, than a gay guy. It's not like I have a giant sign on me that says 'date me, gay guys!' It's just not that easy.."

I slumped into my chair as I look at Gerard who has a dumbfounded look on his face. We never talk about my love life, seeing I don't exactly have one.

"Man, I hate labels. Gay, straight, bisexual. Who cares!" Gerard rants, "what if I get a crush on a guy? Does that make me gay? Bisexual? Who cares. Why can't we like who we like?" He says while sipping his drink.

The rest of the night goes normal, just chatting and talking about whatever. I'm a good actor, on the outside I'm laughing with my beautiful best friend, on the inside I want to cry. 

It's 3AM and both me and Gerard are in no shape to drive ourselves home. We decide that he should spend the night at my place and crash there, I'm closer and it also gives him a reason to not go home and see the witch. 

"You ready to go?" I asked grabbing my stuff from the bar and jumping down the stool. Fuck you, short legs. 

Gerard is slumped against the wall, he clearly had more to drink than I did. He always does. He's like a bottomless pit when it comes to drinking. He will drink anyone under the table. 

"Yeah, yeah," he sighed, getting off the wall.

The walk home was quiet, we are both tired and both want to just sleep. The air feels nice. I love the feeling of the wind when I'm drunk. There's something about the dark night, a nice breeze, and a walk when you're drunk to make you feel alive.

My mind goes back to what Gerard said before at the bar. About how he hates labels and 'who cares' if he started to like a guy. Is that a hint? Do I actually have a chance?

Yeah, sure, Frank. Whatever you say!

Girls really dig Gerard, they really like that whole artist vibe he has. They probably feel smart or something being with an artist who's also insanely smart. Gerard can talk to you about nearly anything, he's like a genius or something, I don't know. 

When Gerard is single he's a man whore. He will have sex with any girl that gives him the time of day. I don't know exactly how many girls he's slept with, but I know it's more than the number of men I've slept with. 

Like I said, it's not easy finding a gay guy. Mostly because I don't go to gay bars or clubs. So maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm just holding onto something that's not there?

"Do you like being single?" Gerard asks in the silence as we almost approach to my house. 

"Not really, it would be nice to have someone to go home to." I mumbled back to him. 

"I feel alone even though I'm not single." He confesses as he grabs a cigarette from his pants. "I don't feel like I'm in a relationship."

"That's because you're unhappy," I said back to him. 

\---

Why can't I just break up with my girlfriend? I didn't even tell her I'm going to be not home. I don't want anything to do with her. I just want to stay with Frank all night, all day.

Is it bad to think I want to just hold him? Is that weird? I know I like women, hell, I fucking love them! But I don't know, just being here with him right now in this very moment just feels so right. Maybe I've been pushing something away for the longest time and I haven't fully accepted that Frank is the one who I actually want. I always pick him over my girlfriend. What does that say about my relationship? What does that say about the girl who I'm supposed to be in love with? Nothing. 

I dunno if it's the drinks or the fact that I finally realized this. Both are scaring the living shit out of me, though. 

We've been in Frank's apartment for about 20 minutes. We are in his living room and all I can think about is him and how I never want to leave his side. I feel homesick when he's not with me. We fit each other. It's like when people hear his name they think of mine, when people hear my name they think of his. It's been like this for years. He's my rock. He's the reason why I'm standing on the ground. 

"Frankie-" I mumbled, grabbing his hand as he was about to leave to go to bed. "Don't leave me." 

Frank gives me a blank look. "What?"

"Hold me."

Frank looks at me like he just saw Bambi get shot. He looks scared, but he fulfills my wish and walks over to me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said back, "please come here."

Frank slowly comes over to me and I quickly grab his arm, "you smell so nice." I said nuzzling into his arm. 

My heart is racing really hard, what the fuck am I doing?! I really shouldn't be doing this. I don't want to stop though, I don't want this to end. I just want him to hold me. He feels like he's my protecter. He kind of is in a way, too. He's always there when I need help. My girlfriend isn't. She's never there. Frank is.

"Are you okay, Gerard?" Frank says filling the silence. 

"I dunno," I mumbled holding him tighter on his couch. "I don't want you to leave. I never want you to leave. I want you all the time."

Fuck off, brain, I'm letting my heart speak now.

"I.. Uh-" Frank says back, unable to really say anything of what I'm saying to him. At this point, I can't stop. It just keeps coming. 

"Shh," I cooed, looking up at him, "it's okay." 

Frank nods his head and lets me rest on his lap. I look up and I see that his eyes are closed and he's playing with my hair. It feels so nice, his right hand is playing with my hair and his left hand is resting on my shoulder, near my face.

"That feels so nice, Frank." I whispered, feeling pure bliss and happiness. Something I haven't felt in a long time. My heart feels like it's in the right place. 

"Mmm."

I slowly moved my head and I grabbed his left hand and kissed it, "I love your tattoos."

Frank's eyes shot open and looked down at me. We are both in complete shock of what I just did.

"Did you-" 

"Shut up." I cut him off and sitting up on the couch. 

I knew it was now or never, I knew if I didn't do this now I would regret it. I grabbed Frank by the back of the neck and pressed my lips against his. 

In that very moment all depression, helplessness, anxiety; it was all lost and I was in pure bliss of this very moment I was held in. His lips feel nice, like satin. 

I slowly open up his mouth to deepen the kiss, begging for more contact with his mouth. I truly never kissed a guy before, and honestly I regret waiting this long. This feels so natural for me. Maybe I was wrong about my sexuality all along, that or I was wrong about Frank all along and I needed him all this time. 

Our tongues are dancing with each other and this is possibly the best kiss I've never had in my life. I slowly move to stand over him, quickly resting him on his back and I climb on top of my shorter, younger, friend. 

I'm on top of him at this point and the kissing is getting more passionate, more hot, and most of all, more sexy. I'm getting so fucking turned on right now and I'm scared as well. I never kissed a guy and I don't know what to do. I know what to do with women, but not men. 

I get the courage and I slowly creep my hands down to Frank's lower half as I kiss him slowly. I give his inner thigh a small squeeze and Frank shots up. 

"Gerard-" Frank breaths out, "we gotta stop now." 

"Why?" I whined out. 

"You know why, let's sleep, yeah?"

I frown but I know he's right. 

\---

The next morning I wake up and my head is fucking killing me. It feels like a little drummer is banging his symbols in my head and I want him to fucking stop. I'm miserable.

"Ugh." I groaned as I opened my eyes. I'm on my couch and Gerard is right next to me, slightly snoring. He's still in a dead sleep.

My mind replays last night and I quickly get up from the couch and go take a piss. 

Fuck, fuck, fuck! This is fucking bad. Gerard cheated on his girlfriend, and worse it's with me! I know he's going to tell me that he was drunk and he didn't mean it. My heart hurts. My heart hurts so fucking bad. I gotta put on a good show. I can't show him I'm going to be hurt by this. I can't let him now. I can't let him know I've deeply had feelings for him for as long as I can remember. I can't. I just can't! Why did I let him kiss me? Why? 

"Fuck, Frank, you really fucked up this time." I said to myself looking at my face in the mirror. 

How the hell did I wind up in my boxers? I know for a fact I stopped him when he tried to go deeper than kissing. 

I groaned and got out of the bathroom and I see a tired, but awake Gerard. He's slumped into my couch and he looks like he got hit by a bus. 

"We should probably talk."


	3. Letting You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank Iero is in love. Everyone can see it when he walks into the room. Sadly, for Frank, he's in love and he hates it. He's very much gay, and the man who he's in love with is very much straight; and his best friend, Gerard Way.
> 
> Disclaimer: this is only for entertainment only. I do not own Gerard Way or Frank Iero. This is 100% fake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not too happy with this one. Please send feed back.

All I could do is brace myself and wait for him to tell me how this was a huge mistake and that he didn't mean to kiss me and for him to run back to his fucking stupid girlfriend. I waited, I didn't move from my spot. I just looked down. I feel dizzy, I can't believe this. We fucking hooked up, why did I let that happen? I knew I should have stopped him. I'm setting myself up for pain. Gerard Way is straight. I can feel my heart shattering already. 

I didn't speak, I didn't want to. I don't know what all of this means, I just know that Gerard is fucking straight, with a girlfriend, and he just cheated on her with a guy - a guy who his girlfriend hates. A guy who's gay. His best friend. Jackie hates me already. She is for sure going to hate me now. Damn, I fucked up. 

This is messy, in my head it is, at least. 

"Are you going to say something?" He finally spoke and I jolted my head up. My eyes have been locked on the ground. I don't have it in me to look at him in his eyes. I can't do this. I've never been good with messy issues, and this is something I really can't deal with. I feel like I should run away.

I just shrugged my shoulders. 

Gerard sighed and looked at the wall clock on my wall, "I gotta go, call me later. Please." He said standing up and finding his shoes. 

Within minutes he was gone and I was left alone in my grungy apartment, even though it's the middle of summer and I don't have an AC I feel really cold. Really cold and alone in my boxers, hung over, heart broken, and a total mess. 

I feel like I just lost my best friend. That's something I can't handle. I feel like I already lost him. I honestly feel like I'm nothing without him. I can't lose him. 

Groaning, I stopped myself from letting tears form. I turned around and went back into the bathroom. I need a shower. I can smell the Jack on me and I know my hair is sticky and gross. I had to wash myself. 

Turning the light back on I strip myself from my blue boxers and I turn the shower on. I grabbed a towel and set it on the toilet seat that's next to the shower.

Adjusting the shower to how I like it I stepped inside and felt the luke warm water on my skin and I feel a rush of happiness. I love taking showers. There's something about the feeling of the water all over your body that just make you feel like nothing else matters, just you and the water - all the sadness, the worries, your faults, mistakes. Everything. It's all gone and it's just you. The true you. Just you and these small walls with the water as your bare, naked body rushes for the contact with the warm water. It's so fucking beautiful, if you think about it. It's almost like showers wash away your problems. 

I close my eyes. I can't stop thinking about Gerard. I can still feel his lips on me. The way he was on too of me, fuck, it was the hottest thing ever. How he just look complete control over the kiss, I somehow submitted myself into the kiss and I let him take full control over it and my mind and body. Goddamn it was the fucking hottest kiss I've ever had. I could kiss him for hours. His kiss was everything that I've ever pictured it to be. 

I moaned and looked down, I'm stuck with a hard cock. Just thinking about him got me going. 

"Mmmf." I groaned out running my hands down to the base of my cock. My wet hair is now hanging over my face as I work on my dick, the water dripping over it making my dick slick and amazing. I work at my cock even faster as pictures of Gerard flash in my mind...

\----

I didn't go home. I walked to Mikey's house. He was the only person I could think about going to with this issue that I have on my hands. On the bright side is that Mikey lives pretty close to Frank. The upside of Jersey is that we all live pretty close to each other. 

I don't even care that I cheated on my girlfriend. I almost feel like she pushed me into it. She pushed me too far to the edge and she pisses me off more than make me smile. Last night was the first time in what feels like years that I actually smiled.

What freaks me out is that enjoyed it. Goddamn I fucking enjoyed it. I enjoyed it too much. I've never kissed a guy before, I never thought I would ever do that in a million years. I just never found guys attractive. After a few drinks though, my mind wandered else where and all I wanted to do was hold Frank. The way he gives off a half smile, his small giggles. How he covers his mouth when he laughs too hard, it is fucking adorable. His tattooed hands... His arms. 

He looked really good last night. He was wearing dark blue jeans, ripped at the knees (naturally), a dark gray shirt. Topped off with his black Vans. He just looked really good. His hair is a little long, a little past his ears. Sometimes it goes in front of his face. Last night at the bar he had to grab his pack of cigarettes that fell on the floor and when he got up his hair was in the face, in that moment was when I knew I found my best friend extremely attractive and my cock twitched in my pants. I ignored it. Until we got back to his place and I knew I had to have him. Get a taste of him. I needed it. Craved it, actually. 

Before I knew it I was at Mikey's place and I'm at his door step. I didn't even bother knocking. We never knock on each other's doors. I think it's weird if you knock on a family member's door. I don't know if I the families do that. But I know with the Way's, we don't. 

Mikey has always been there for me. Sometimes I feel like he's the older brother. I wasn't exactly the best brother to him when we were kids. I always in some kind of stupid shit and Mikey would just go to school, go home and that was it. For me? I would barely go to school, I would go and cause some sort of chaos and not come home until very late. 

My antics caused Mikey to grow up too fast and I regret that. I wish he was able to be a kid more, but my phone calls late at night begging for him to find me, I didn't even know where I was. This was before everyone had cell phones so I had to make the risk and call my house phone and pray that Mikey knew it was me and he would grab the phone before it woke up my parents. 

He always grabbed it within 2 rings. Almost like he slept in the kitchen waiting for it to ring, already knowing that I was going to need him. Already knew that I drank too much and I was at a random pay phone and I needed him to come find me. I used to get black out drunk every night after my parents went to bed. Whenever I drank too much I started to get freaked out so I had to call Mikey to come and find me. He used to call it Where's Gerard? It was like a game we had. A self destructive game. 

I didn't quit drinking, I'm not an alcoholic or anything. I just stopped getting that drunk all the time. 

I opened the door and Mikey is the living room, which is what you walk into. He's drinking coffee and watching the news. This looks typical. I roll my eyes.

"W'sup, Mikey?" I hollered walking more into his house grabbing myself some coffee in his kitchen, which conjoins next to the small living room. His apartment is pretty small. 

"The hell you doing here so early?" He groaned back at me standing up and walking into the kitchen with me. 

"I slept at Frankie's. We drank too much and walked to his place." I said back to him, sipping my coffee, feeling an instant relief. 

"Gotcha. How was last night? Sorry I couldn't make it." 

"It was -" I paused, thinking hard, "fucking shit dude I kissed Frank!" I explained loudly, throwing my arms in the air like the dramatic idiot that I am. 

"Wait -" Mikey came closer to me, "you kissed your best friend?"

"Uh - yeah, I didn't - fuck," I sighed. "This is bad, I don't even care that I cheated, you know." 

"Do you like Frankie?" 

My eyes feel tired. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I just want my bed. I don't want my bed, Jackie's in my bed. I wouldn't go to sleep, either. Jackie is going to have a fucking field day when I see her. 

"I don't want to talk about this." I replied going into his living room, sinking into his couch. Frank's couch is better.

"You know - he's crazy about you." Mikey said walking into the living room, cleaning against the wall, across from me. 

"Shut it, Mikey," I laughed, "just because he's gay doesn't me -"

"Dude, it's not because he's gay, get over yourself. You can see it in his eyes, the kid is crazy about you." Mikey said, cutting me off. 

I groaned and sat up again. "You're lying. He doesn't like me. Plus I'm not gay."

"Yeah, you may not be gay. But you kissed a guy. Gotcha." Mikey said back sarcastically to me. 

"Did you forget my girlfriend? Of years? All the girls I've been with. I love women! I love having sex with them!" I hissed back at him.

"Go ahead and stay in denial, Gerard. Have fun pushing your true feelings aside and hurting your best friend." Mikey sighed. 

I leaned forward and my hands are on my face. I knew he was fucking right. How blind could I be? Frank would tense up when Jackie was around. He always hated it when I ever brought her up. 

He would (and still does) push me to do what I truly want to do. He knows I love art, I love drawing, he supports me, fucking encourages me to do it. Tells me all the time, 'Gerard, you have this degree, use it!' 

How stupid could I be? I'm so stupid. Frankie has been there all along. It's always been him. I'm not gay, but I would go all the way with Frankie. I would hold him forever and do everything I can to make him the happiest person in the world. That's all I want to do. I want to make him happy. Make him smile. All of these years, him watching me take all these women home, my empty, void filling hook ups, the ones he watched me have, it must've killed him. I'm so stupid! I'm so blind. 

"I gotta go!" I shouted at Mikey, jumping from his couch.

Quickly I left his house and I feel a new found strength. A new feel inside me. Something I needed to do for a long fucking time. I finally have the strength. I have it in me. I can do this. I can fucking do this.

I'm leaving my girlfriend for a guy. 

***

Speed walking home I knew exactly what I was going to be walking home to. I knew I was going to be walking into a fight. More like a war, actually. Jackie is not going to handle this well, at all. She doesn't handle small things well, me leaving her is not going to go over well with her. 

I slowly walk inside my place, the house is quiet still. I almost want to walk out and just figure out what the hell is going on in my head. I knew I couldn't though, I had to do this. 

My heart thumped as I heard footsteps. Angry. Fucking. Footsteps. Here we go...

"Thanks for calling," Jackie mumbled pushing passed me. 

"I was drunk," suddenly I felt small. "Wasn't really on my phone."

"Oh, yeah." She rolled her eyes saying, "out with Frank."

My heart felt heavy. The way she spat out his name like she was fully disgusted with even saying his name. Which hurt me. 

I just wanted to leave. I just wanted to skip this part where that I have to break up with Jackie. Just have her gone, all her stuff out of my house. Go out and do whatever I want. I'll have no one to answer to. No one to worry about. I don't want to worry about anyone. It's a little selfish but I don't want to worry. 

"Yeah," I was getting a little angry now. "What's the big deal?"

She huffed and started to turn evil, "you should probably call your fucking girlfriend." 

"Who I cheated on." I whispered. Like a bandaid.

"Excuse me?" She yelped. Looking at me right in my eyes.

"I cheated on you." 

I was waiting for the big blow. I was waiting for the big scene. A slap in the face. Her clawing at my face. 

But she's silent. She's looking at me like I told her a huge lie. Almost like she doesn't believe it. I would rather her scream at me than look at me like this. She's not moving. I swear I think she's dead. 

"With who?" She finally filled the awkward silence with her question. I wish she didn't ask. I don't want to tell her. I don't want to tell her I kissed a guy. A guy who she hates. I still have a heart in some weird, twisted way. You would think I wouldn't, after all the shit she's put me through. 

I don't say anything. I just keep my head down. I feel like a puppy who just got kicked around. I can't keep my head up. The feeling of guilt rising in me. No one deserves to be cheated on. It's the worst feeling in the world. Even as evil as Jackie, it's not right. I always knew I should've ended it with her a long time. And now I got to fucking crush her by ending it this way. Branding myself a cheater. How can anyone trust me again? I don't know if I can even trust myself.

If I wasn't so fucking spineless this wouldn't have happened. If I'm not happy with someone I should end it. I didn't though. I created a huge mess. A huge mess that I don't know how to clean up. I don't know if I should even try to. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve anything or anyone. I don't deserve to leave someone who's been faithful to me for years so I can be happy. That's not how it should go. I don't even know if I want to be with Frank or if he wants to be with me. I was thinking about it before, but now that it's sunken in, I don't know how much of a good idea that would be.

Holy shit, my mind is racing around. I can't deal with this. This is why I like being single, random hook ups with nameless girls. That's when I should cut it. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone. 

"I would like to know who," she said. Taking me away from my thoughts. "I think you owe me that."

She was right. I do owe her that, "it was Frank, Jackie."

She laughed at me, "you're gay?"

I groaned, "no I'm not. It just sorta happened. I dunno," I mumbled, standing up, "it's not like I planned it. Lets face it, you and I shouldn't be together." 

I could almost hear her heart break when I heard her say, "I wish it didn't have to end in this way."

She was right. I didn't want it to end like this either. I don't want anyone to hate me. I always want everyone to like me, but lets face it, you can't have everyone like you. 

And just like that, after a few hours of talks, some fighting, and tears, Jackie was gone. 

The day is finally here. Something I always wanted. I always wanted her gone. I didn't want her gone like this though. I can almost see her pride being stripped away from her. How is she going to explain to her friends that her boyfriend cheated on her with a man? How can anyone explain that?

I'm sitting alone in my apartment, things shuffled around. Jackie mainly just had clothes here. All the major stuff is all mine so it wasn't like she had too much to grab. She's staying with her friend until she can find a place. 

I'm sitting here, no sound is made. I have nothing playing. No music, no television. Just me and my manic thoughts. I feel like I made a huge mistake. I started my relationship with her, I did want her at one point, right? I did love her. 

My mind goes back to Frank. What is going on with that? Does he really like me like Mikey says? Maybe he doesn't and this was just a random hook up and we can move past it and go back with our days and still be best friends. That's how it should be, right? He's just my friend. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know what I was thinking before. Sometimes my head spins too fast. I think that was it. My head was just spinning too fast and I thought I wanted him. I'm straight, not gay. I just hope Mikey is wrong, because I don't want to hurt him. I really don't. I'm not good, anyways. He doesn't deserve that. He deserves more than me. 

Even if he did actually like me, he would tell me. Frankie tells me everything. I tell him everything, too. He wouldn't keep that from me. He's not that stupid. 

I'm not in denial, as much as Mikey thinks I am. I'm not in denial. 

I don't want to listen to my heart, listening to my heart always gets me I'm trouble like it is now. When I was drunk my heart was going to Frank. I can't let that happen again, I can't mess with his head. Out of everyone in the world he's the last person I want to mess with. I don't want to fuck with his feelings. I got to make it clear that it was just a hook up and it meant nothing.

Still, I'm not in denial. 

I guess it's time to go back to my old ways.


End file.
